Saturday, February 4

feelings ......

when i ended things with him on december 30th 2005, i never thought it'd be so hard for me, there were times during that period when i had prayed that he would text me, or call me asking me to nt walk away the way i did..but as weeks passed i realized that he probably wanted me to leave, just like how everyone else has. i received a text from him on the 29th of jan asking me why i hadnt' kept in touch with him or if everything was okie for me. thou hurt and crushed with memories of the past, i choose to remain calm and told myself that "dimpy, be strong why cry later? when he' only going to leave at the end?, its best that you cry now and be strong later" with that i made myself all stronger and even sent him a rude text, hoping the msg would get across.

yesterday, as i was having lunch with mom in pj i turned around to take a look at this pool table with a score board next to it, and for a moment time stood still. there was a name scribbled on the board with his name on it, perhaps it wasnt his name, perhaps it was someone else who was also adressed by that name, all thoughts came bk to me... and i broke down in tears in the car...... and that is when mom looked at me and she understood the pain i was going through..... there are times when i wished i had never met him, there are times when i wish i would have igonred him just like i have igonred others in the virtual world.. there are times when i wish i had never believed a word he had said.......... was this supposed to be some lesson of life that i was to learn? what did he teach me? that love hurts ? that love is just a game to be played? and that marriage is of convinence ?

why couldn't he for a moment see how i felt? why couldnt he understand the pain ive been through ... why didnt he realize that no matter how far in life i go, no matter what happens to me or where i end up in life, he would probably be the only one my heart yearns for? it hurts and it hurts real bad, they say time is the biggest healer........ but how am i to heal when i know that every step i take somewhere something will remind me of him, and there is this fright in me that we'll bump into each other now that i spend most of my time in PJ. I wish i had answeres , i wish i had the solution .... but above and beyond all i wish he was mine, thou dreams never come true....... especially not mine

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