it's almost time

With less then an hour and a half to go, I finally bid farewell to 2005. I've learnt alot this year more so about myself and how capable I am of doing things I never thought I was able to do.
Today we transported some of the stuff to PJ, it was heartbreaking to see the house get emptier by the minute, but there is nothing I can do now, except prove the world wrong in every aspect and manner.
I sold my piano today, something that has always been part of my life - my music. Mom felt it more then me, after all it was her dream to see her daughter play the piano , and play I did.
I may not have reached the tops but I went somewhere with it. I can proudly tell myself I completed my grade 5 both for both theory and practical, thou i hardly remember much of it now.
It felt good in someways knowing that the new owners had a gift in music, and they'd be able to do justice to the piano and perhaps even give it "life".
Alot of mixed emotions are going through me at this point of time, Im trying to be brave; but it seems impossible nevertheless I shall have to try.
Tomorrow I shall begin a fresh new start for myself, I shall try and forget everything of the past especially those that have caused tears in mylife , as known its usually easier said then done but in my case it will have to be done. My only hope is that GOD guides me through this journey, just like HE has in the past ... and HE gives me the strength that I need to achieve my parents dreams.

Goodbye 2005, thank you for giving me a gift ever so precious that I'll forever be grateful for.

Yeh Raat....

yeh raat khush naseeb hai jo aapne chand ko

akele mu(h) chupai rooh rahi hai

yaha(n) toh ghum ki sahej per humari aarzo

muh chupai rooh raahi hai

saathi maine paake tujhe khoya

kaise hai yeh aapna naseeb

tujhseh bichard gaaye mein toh

yaadein teri haan kareeb

tu meri wafaao(n) mein

tu mer i sedhaon mein

tu meri duaao(n) mein

kaatati nahin hai meri raatein

kaatate nahin hai mere din

mere saare sapne adhure

zindagi aadhuri tere bin

khawabon mein nigahon mein

pyar ki penaahon mein

aah chupale baahon mein

yeh raat khush naseeb hai jo aapne chand ko
akele mu(h) chupai rooh rahi hai
yaha(n) toh ghum ki sahej per humari aarzo
muh chupai rooh raahi hai

A chapter in my life Closed ....

On December 30th 2005, i finally told myself that what ever V and me shared was never there to begin with, I waited a year ...... perhaps a lil more then a year but no amount of waiting made him realize that we could be together for all he could think off was the grass that was greener in UK, who could blame him? with the currency exchange i'd be nuts about that place myself...
So after I hung up the phone on him earlier , i finally gathered the nerve to text him with these 2 messages...


"dont wait to long i may not be here for long, ive waited a year and honestly i can wait no more. no matter how much ive cared, ive only been a waste of air and as time goes by i realized you never really cared or were there. happy new year V its the end , thank you for everything and i hope you'll remember me as i will to"


" i am tired ... and you're looking forward to your new life, wish you all the sucess and happiness you deserve. I wish you'd felt the same way i did for you, but maybe i was never meant to be with someone as perfect as you. and i prayed and hoped things would change bt it nvr did. take care rishi kapoor and thanks for coming into my life for the time and moment that you did"


with that, i ended everything with the one person that i could have possibly been the happiest person with , but im sure HE has something else instore for me .... and im not going to go againts HIM soo i'll wait and see who is that one person who'll accept me for who i am and love me for the way ill always be ......

Guilt

I'm turning 25 in May, and what have I done to make my parents proud in the last 25 years of my birth ? the answer would be plain and blunt NOTHING , at the age that I am now i should be able to give them a bigger roof over their head, be able to pay their bills , take over all the house responsibliites; instead all ive done is rob them from everything that they've owned... i took their roof away from them for my education.... ive increased their bills through most parts of my life with my extensive phone bills and tuition fees etc.... after 24 years today i feel like a COMPLETE FAILURE and this hit me while i was watching this movie waqt on tv2. I pray to the heavens above that I'll be able to give them all that they deserve and even more then that in the coming years ... and there is only 1 wish that GOD grants them both a long and healthy life so that i'd be able to make thier dreams come true .... or rather make my dreams for them come true

Moving.....

When i was younger , moving was something that always made me happy .. for me as much as it was about leaving old friends, it was also about making new discoveries, it was about adapting to new situations and it was all about learning.

As days pass, my time in my home is coming to and end, by mid january we would already be moving out of here, but this time around I am not happy at all, in fact as days past I cry myself to sleep because I have collected 1o years worth of memories from this place i call home. Sure I'll be going to a place that has often been home to me (grandma's place) but thats not where i belong, i belong with my parents in my own home.

I remember the time we got the keys to this house , I was 14 then .... I remember that warm sunny evening that we washed the house , i remember that i convinently forgot to remind my parents i had tution that day , I remember playing in the water .. (yes i am still a kid in every sense ;P ) I remember the Sukhmani Sahib prayers we had the next day with family and very close friends. I remember having my favourite friends over during our muzium trip; Adeline, Eliza, Priscillia they used to hang out here often during school days.. I remember the House Warming party we had , and our first diwali party ..... I remember getting most of my results here ........

Over the last 10 years , every bit of memory makes me shed a tear ...... everytime i take a look around my room which was my only get away place when things went rough ..... i see stickers that i have on the wall , posters on my wardrobe , Motivational Notes pasted everywhere with things like "SPM 7 A'S " " PMR 7 A'S" not like i got those A's hehehe but they're jst part of me ......

I never thought or knew that it would be so hard to leave this place i call home .......but then i suppose life is about moving on ..... and looking for better oppurtunities ..... and me ? I'm hoping to give my parents back a home soon .......... its the first thing on my list after I graduate , and if i get the Astro Scolarship it'll be a reality in no time .......

Down and Out

It's one of those days again where I am feeling totally down and out ... don't know if its the hormons or something else , my guess is its something else ... haven't spoken to V for quite sometime now ... did get a glimpse of him the other day while i went for my refreshers course ... while I tell myself the best thing to do is move on and forget the love that I have for him that has grown over the year; there is this part of me that does not want to give up hope.

I know he is leaving for UK in a matter of 6 months and I know for a fact seeing him before he leaves is unlikely to happen.... there is a part of me that wants him to be happy in UK and find that one that will give him his happiness there and then there is that selfish side of me that wants him to come back and be with me for eternity(thou like i said its highly impossible) but one can still hope right?

What's worst is I coudnt not get hold of him over the phone for some reason, I kept getting this short beep tones ; which could be due to network failure ...not sure on that thou; sighhhhhhhh *frowns*

Hope whatever I am feeling right now fades away fast , its starting to take a toll on me ....

On the side, been going back to the gym again , trying my best to keep and stick to the routines this time ; hopefully i stick through it got another session on Wednesday at 3pm

Countdown

The clock is ticking, the dates are changing and in a matter of 2 weeks we will bid 2005 goodbye, and usher in the new year with lots of hope , lots of resolutions(sp?) ........ last night mom asked me wht was my new years resolution, and it got me thinking for abit ; did i want to make new ones and then not perform them? did i intend to make false promises to myself for yet another year? so i finally decided that this year , there was to be none, but that's not say that i wont better myself in the coming year ; i will but without any expectations of myself so at the very least if im unable to keep that promise for a reason , i wont beat myself up.

I do however intend to get better grades and that willl only work should i work harder then i did this semester; so far i've passed 2 papers . For Globalization and Media Technologies i got a Pass , coz i hadnt done my webct participation, had i done that i may have gotten a Credit im not sure. For Culture and Everyday Life i got a Credit. I was expectin to get a Credit, its what I had aimed for from the beginning of the semester. I'm still awaiting my results for Public Relations which is to be out sometime soon, but according to Mrs Tan I should have nothing to fear about because Murdoch Uni was satisfied with my work, soo im hoping for a Credit but a Pass would be okie as well... just as long as i dont fail the subject i'll be glad.

I've wasted alot of my time on education; because for some reason i was never serious with anything , and now I pray that this streak of getting through exams continue until i graduate , with Febuary not to long away I am one step closer to my degree... and in a matter of 9 month(excluding holidays) I'll have a Bachelors in Communications majoring in Journalism. sounds darn bombastic innit? but its all hard work and i intend to get there w/o having to repeat anymore subjects.

Drive!!

I am now the offaicial driver for the family hahahaha, its funny for someone who was never allowed to drive, im not driving everyone around ... even for the smallest things like going to the shops or going for dinner ... its always dimpy u drive! :D yayyy i now drive :p

Eventful Day

Had quite a day today ....

Woke up late as per usual :P , after which i walked around the house like a zombie did a thing or two ... reena picked me up about 2'ish and we went over to her place for abit , did the usual catching up bit and then went to puchase a beautiful hand bouquet for mama n papa's anniversary which costed me about 60 ringgit .. its 8 stalks of purple/lavender roses with other fresh flower arrangemnts in it :D , all in all im happy with my day .. i even created a card online and printed it out ... now lets hope i wake up in time to prepare breakfast ...

Reflections

Again the year is coming to an end, its a wonder how fast time goes by .... it feels like yesterday when i was busy with jasvin's wedding and already its approaching her 1st wedding anniversary... it's been a year since tht horrible tsunami struck leaving the world a little more scared with its events..... its been a year since ive last seen V , funny in the past weeks i dont really care about him as much as i used to... i suppose its because ive realized that we all have to move on sometime or rather in life .....
2005 , thought me many lessons in life , about love, friendship, about life in general.... but most of all 2005 made me realize just how much i have grown as a person, it may not seem much ... but to me it has been an improvement ... i dont know what 2006 has in store for anyone of us, but im praying to the heavens above that what ever is in store, will be the best for all of us. Perhaps mr right will appear , perhaps we'll win the lottery and buy ourselves a home again, perhaps ill get distinctions in my exams next semester .... perhaps ill get enggaged should the right person come along.... perhaps i may leave for perth..... im leaving it up to the BIG GUY , He knows what's right for all of us, eventhou at times we may not like those decisions that HE'S made for us .....

Knightrider .....

Thats right, my knightrider has finally arrived hehehehehhehe... meaning which my car finally came in yesterday ...
Been having loads of fun with it, :D apart from that everything else been pretty much a routine thingy ... the weekend is going to be busy with mum n dad's anniversary we're going for a nice dim sum buffet in quality inn hotel (that's all i can afford) hahahah but at least im doing something....
Nesh is supposed to take me out tomorow for dinner , thou i dont feel like going and from the looks of it he convinently forgot about it which is good in its own way.. oh well nothing is happening in my life ..

Thoughts...

At 6 am today, a Cambodian Native Australian was hung at the Changi Prison for having traffick 400g of Heroin into Singapore while on a transit back to Melbourne. Alot has been said in the days leading to his execution.. there were countless negotiations by the Australians and Singapore needless to say Singapore was stern on its dicision. TheStar reported that "in his final hours as calm, resolute and ready to die. " but was he really ready to die ? at only 25 .... had he really enjoyed life ? agreed that being caught with any sort of drug was wrong ... yet had no one paid any attention to the pleas that had been made? I may be young and naive ...however I cant help but feel somehow somewhere something wrong was done ... taking the life of someone is being equivlent (sp?) to killing ... in my opinion there is always a better way to punish someone then hanging them or executing them in such a manner.... no one knows what was going through his mind just before his execution... how would his mother have felt? how would his brother have felt ? they weren't allowed to hug him especially his mother .... he was only human after all, and he probably needed that hug ... i may not know the entire story ... but these are just my thoughts and like many others i too mourn the loss of Nguyen Tuong Van...

R.I.P Nguyen Tuong Van (1980-2005)

New Blog

Based on the fact that my blog has been gaining more popularity among people i do not want having access to the site ive decided to change the url and also the host of my blog.. this is going to be somewhat personal...