Wednesday, May 3

Frustration.. A Letter to my MOTHER!

No matter how much I try to do things right, I seem to just fail almost as if I've own the title of being a failure.
What was so wrong if I had wanted to go out with reena, and I did not want her to get that stare from nani just like the stare that she gave aunty bansi yesterday?!?
Reena is the only person who has been a true friend to me; she's done nothing but be there for me in all my times of needs! even when you turned your back on me and said "I WANT MY HOUSE BACK, CAN YOU GET IT BACK FOR ME?" Ive done everything I can to prove that i have changed and that I no longer am the same person, yet everyday of my life you remind me that I HAVE TO BARE ALL THAT HAPPENS BECAUSE I PUT YOU HERE! HOW MANY TIMES IN A DAY DO I HAVE TO BE REMINDED THAT I TOOK URE HOUSE FROM YOU, YOU NEED NOT EMPHASISE ON THE OBVIOUS! I KNOW I TOOK YOUR HOUSE, I KNOW I AM A LEECH AT THE AGE OF 25 YOU DONT HAVE TO REMIND ME DAILY! YOU DONT HAVE TO ASK FOR A BREAKDOWN OF MY SPENDINGS AND REMIND ME THAT IM DEPENDANT! YOU DONT HAVE TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A FAILURE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I AM! I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS FACT ALL MY LIFE! DONT YOU THINK IT ALREADY TORTURES ME ENOUGH?!?? WHY DO YOU NEED TO TORTURE ME MORE ? I GET SYNICAL STARES FROM YOUR MOTHER EVERYDAY! I KNOW SHE HATES ME! SHE TORMENTS ME WITH HORRIBLE WORDS EVERYDAY! SHE REMINDS ME THAT THIS IS NOT MY HOUSE ! I KNOW THIS ISNT MY HOUSE ! I KNOW I HAVE NO HOME! I KNOW I HAVE NO ONE!!!! HOW COULD YOU HAVE TURNED AROUND AND MADE ME LOOK SELFISH FOR SAYING THAT SHOULD SOMETHING HAPPEN TO YOU I WOULD HAVE NO ONE AND I WOULD BE ALONE AND I WOULD DIE WITH YOU... HW COULD YOU!!!! YOU TURNED MY LOVE INTO A SELF NEED OF MINE, YES I NEED YOU ! YOU'RE MY MOTHER FOR GOD DAMN SAKE! WHEN WILL YOU UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS?? WHEN WILL YOU ACCEPT ME FOR ME?? WHEN WILL YOU SEE IM NOT PERFECT BUT IM TRYING SO HARD TO BE !!!! MY BIRTHDAY IS NOT SPECIAL IT WILL NEVER BE! EVERY YEAR AS MY BIRTHDAY APPROACHES INSTEAD OF A CAKE I GET WORDS THAT HAUNT ME FORTHE REST OF THE YEAR, INSTEAD OF GIFTS I GET ABUSALS THAT LAST A LIFETIME IN MY MIND! I DO NOT FORGET THINGS EASILY, IT MAY APPEAR THAT I AM A HAPPY GO LUCK PERSON BUT I AM NOT! WHATEVER IS SAID TO ME REMAINS IN MY HEART FOREVER ! I TEND NOT TO REACT TO IT AFTRE 5 MINUTES BUT IT DOESNT MEAN IVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT ! EVERYDAY YOU REMIND ME A HARSH REALITY THAT IVE TAKEN YOUR HOUSE AWAY! I DONT NEED TO BE REMINDED ABOUT THAT! YOU ADD SALT TO MY UNHEALED WOUND EVERYDAY! I NEVER ONCE SAID I DID NOT WANT TO PICK PAPA UP! NEVER ONCE! I NEVER SAID THIS CAR WAS MINE EITHER! NOR HAVE I EVER GIVEN YOU A REASON TO TAKE A CAB FOR ANY OF UR APPOINMENTS! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I FIND EXCUSES NOT TO TAKE YOU AND PAPA ANYWHERE ?!? YOU TOLD ME PETROL IS NOT WATER! SO U CANNOT AFFORD TO LET ME PICK PAPA UP FROM SHOP! I OFFERED TO PICK HIM UP FROM THE BUS STOP BUT U TOLD ME I WOUDNT KNOW WHERE HE GETS DOWN AND WHT TIME HE GETS DOWN! SO HOW IN THE WORLD CAN YOU HOLD ME RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!?!?!?! HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME TO THIS EXTEND ?!? HOW DARE YOU MOTHER CALL ME A BARKING BITCH RIGHT ON MY FACE!!!! I HATE YOUR MOTHER AND SHOULD A DAY COME THAT SHE LIFTS HER HAND ON ME , DONT BE SURPRISED OF WHAT SHE MAY RECEIVE IN RETURN! IVE TOLERATED HER ABUSE AND SARASTIC REMARKS TOWARDS ME FOR 60 DAYS! 60 TORTURES DAYS!

2 comments:

reena said...

I love you very much and I just can't stand it when I heard you sob. I have never heard you cry like that. Please, be strong. I know it's easy for me to say...but I have no other words..I have seen you go through so much, and I can't imagine what else is in store. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I am so sorry that I asked you out. None of this would have happened if I didn't open my mouth and asked, wanna meet up today? *hugs*

Mei said...

We spoke about this before. Learn how to channel all that frustration into positive energy. Like Reena said earlier, be strong. Show them what you're made of, girl.

When God closes a door, he always opens a window.

*hugz*